[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
i really liked this one
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma