Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.