Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
You Might Also Like
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.