me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.