All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.