for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.