Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze