her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
This is amazing.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it