[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Living the best life.. 😊
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school