If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom