Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?