“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.