You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.