Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.