me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Breaking news:
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.