Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Fiction has to make sense.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”