[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Nomnomnomnom
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other