i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you