my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat