Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.