My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston