GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You