Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic