Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.