My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
This is me 🤣🤣
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people