Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
You Might Also Like
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Best table by far
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.