I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
You Might Also Like
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real