Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Thursday
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Everything reminds me of my ex
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.