Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.