Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You Might Also Like
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.