20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
You Might Also Like
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.