“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.