[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.