I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You Might Also Like
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte