If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”