me refusing to leave twitter
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.