An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.