6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.