Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
You Might Also Like
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
<—- homeless romantic
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
What if the weather talks about us?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Jail
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.