Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.