Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Cheer up.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
me after eating Cheetos
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?