The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You Might Also Like
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab