Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
You Might Also Like
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me trying to reach for my goals
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.