genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Order here:
More here:
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Duck typos.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.