Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
You Might Also Like
uncle dave has been through hell
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.