I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se