If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.