ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Self-cleaning conscience
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore