I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You Might Also Like
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams