878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Covid like
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.